Suddenly

"'The answer you cannot make, the pattern you cannot complete till afterwards it suddenly comes to you when it’s too late.” The spirit of the Spirit was that it’s never too late. But now it is. It’s over when it’s over."
-Glenn O'Brien

Hear You Me

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

RIP JAIME- 10/12/07

The Last Autumn in New York

These old days - I wonder,
did I dream them
or were they real?
In the night I listen
to the autumn rain
- Ryokan Taigu

whiskey river

The eternal conflict of commitment continues

House of Cards- Radiohead

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table,
Get swept under
Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
Voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband goodnight

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table,
And get swept under

Denial, denial
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning

Denial, denial

I think I might have heard the highway calling

When Missie was trying to decide whether or not to buy her ticket to Charlotte, she said something rather jarring. "This will be our last time there together," she said. "If we don't go now, we may never be there again." And I paused, and I thought about it, and she was right. I blinked hard, and Charlotte came rushing back to me.

I remember it fondly, now, although if you'd told me I'd feel that way years ago I would've said you were crazy. Missie and I had a world all our own then, and as lonely as it became inside of our very big empty condo, on Sundays on our porch, at bars by ourselves, we always had each other. And we do in New York too, but it's different now. The city and the world is around us, a million things, hours packed with projects and people and time slips away now. Not like it did then. Then, time lulled around, the sun shining on Strawberry Hill, as we stared down the walls until they felt paper thin.

We both waited. I waited for someone to love me, she waited for her boyfriend to come home. We waited to feel happy, fulfilled. We ate, drank and shopped, lazily and in vain of feeling anything in return.

At the time, I kept myself occupied with Clay (formerly referred to as MGM- but in its newest incarnation, my blog hopes to be more obvious, less contrived). Mostly our hours on the phone were passed pretending to be something we were not. Talking about things that would never happen. And it served to make me unrealistic and uneven. After all of the other disasters of the time, he fell away like everything else. Most recently he has resurfaced again, the way any bad decision does eventually throughout our lives.

I thought I might throw up when we spoke the first time. Literally. It'd been more than two years since I heard his voice, and whatever happened to me psychologically when I picked up the phone, physically I had to swallow hard, and gagged on the acid memories that flooded my body and weakened my limbs. The room took off, tilting in all directions, and blots of white filled the air in front of me. For two years, this reaction had been swimming beneath my surface, and with a splash into my water, he sent ripples into the afternoon.

Minutes into the conversation, we were discussing the things we'd done wrong. He asked me questions that verified my assumption that he'd never been paying attention to anything more than himself. He was young, he said. He was sorry, he said. Did he ever tell me he loved me? Because he did, he said. I started to calm down. This was all so small, and two-dimensional compared to the life I've built for myself now. I thought about Bryan, and that when he hugs me, inside the triangle of his shoulders I fit perfectly and feel perfect. And I remembered standing on Clay's front porch, in the winter on a night in Philadelphia, and how hollow I felt in his arms. And suddenly, the dam that held in the acid and dizziness fell away, and I felt just fine.

I heard a lot of things that day that I've been waiting to hear for years. I laughed, and he laughed and we were nice to one another, a kindness that felt genuine- which I hadn't been able to muster in the end. I told him I was coming to Charlotte, and that I'd rather not see him, if it was all the same. I'll stay out of your way, he said.

Missie and I, the people who in their desperation to get out, alienated everything we secretly loved about Charlotte- are going home again. It may be our last time ever. I am going to the gym with Colleen, and to get coffee afterward, drinking it black so she doesn't make fun of me while making fun of others. The three of us will shop at Lotus and drink their free champagne. We will buy pretty dresses and go to a party in a bar we used to hate. We hope to see Michael. And I hope not to see Clay. As much as I feel better, and even feel a softness toward him now that I haven't felt in years, that dizzy place inside of me may still be there, a bit under the surface. And I don't want my life to tilt too much right now.

Because right now, we know that everything is about to change. Missie and I will say to each other that it's easy to see that we're standing on the precipice of something else. It's a fun time, though a time racked with hesitations and inconsistencies. Every day my future changes by miles. Everything changes. It becomes more apparent with every decision that we make that beyond the immediate differences in every day life, that our whole lives will be affected by the yeses and nos of right now. The moves we make, the cities we choose, the jobs we take, the men we intend to marry, are all going to become part of the big picture, and will serve to define where we eventually will be in life. Soon enough, I will look back on New York the way I see Charlotte now. With fondness, and sadness, and smiles that hurt the New York shaped place in my heart. And if Clay has taught me anything, it's that something good can come out of any decision, any situation, and even any regret.

My decisions now will take me further- and this may be the last time, I am ever here again.