The Winter of Our Discontent

I sincerely hope that Spring will bring better times. I have spent the last five months cocooned in Winter's coma- and relief from a mean case of seasonal affective disorder is the only thing that will save me now.

Until I am blown away by the Summer of lake front Volleyball, cocktails on boats, a flawless suntan from the hours and hours of Midwestern outdoor socializing and BBQs that I am promised, I hold firm to my assertion that Chicago is not worth all of the effort and transparency involved in having to live here.

I'm tired of Chicago. I'm tired of Winter. I'm tired of meeting people from Iowa, Kalamazoo and Southern Illinois. I am tired of shirts that say "Bring the IlliNoise" and bands of pale hipsters who say "theat" they LOVE it here. Because they have never been in another big city. I have never been so tired of anything in all of my life.

Unfortunately leaving New York is much harder than going to it. I don't know if I will ever be strong enough to put myself through it again. It's the bends of societal acclimatization. The head and heart compress - the faster you try to acclimate the more unnatural and stifling it becomes. The clean oxygen bubbles, from the air of whatever real city you're in, form in your subconscious and after only five months there is more air inside of your mind and soul than in the entire city surrounding you. And you seize, of course - your heart threatens to fail on you entirely if you don't find a coffee cart, 24hr bodega, bi-racial couple, urine on the sidewalk or a bathroom full of gorgeous coke-heads IMMEDIATELY.

Sure- being filled to swelling with clean air has its perks. Out here, in the real world, you become once again acclimated to reasonably priced and sized apartments, clean streets, and a notable (albeit not necessarily impressive, particularly if your boyfriend still isn't working) balance in your checking account. At least that's been my experience. So, despite everyone seeming mostly fake and fucking boring out here (instead of neurotic and irrational) they at least have managed realistic expectations and savings accounts, and they are probably a step ahead in life's grand scheme of "all things considered" which I have never personally been a fan of. If I'm considering anything, I'd rather not confuse myself by having to consider "all things" at once. And for now all that I can consider is whether my paycheck is worth all of this.

Lists tend to straighten it out when life has you confused. And so I made a list and here it is:

Chicago:
clean, inexpensive, good job with nice coworkers, potential to make a lot of money, Bryan not working and having no real prospect of working, me making enough money for the both of us and having some to spare, a little bit of calm in a world full of chaos, probably no one will ever spit in my face, i will probably not get blown up here

NYC:
my best friends, a city that i love, no money, no job (necessarily), ridiculously overpriced rent, overdrawing my checking account constantly, what savings account?, my heartbeat, a past that makes me smile, a future replete with activities that will never run out, streets that i love and trust, neurotic impatient people who make me manic, everything I have ever wanted and a heartbeat that I can rely on, brooklyn=heaven

The choice seems clear to me. Now, the trick of course is convincing anyone else that this list is an inarguable scientific fact. Bryan tells me that one year from now is required to fully understand the scope of Chicago Illinois (not noise) and that I will grow to love it. We should look to buy property here, I will be happy here.

I know that half of the peace in anyone's heart comes from the letting go of that which is behind you.

I just DON'T WANT TO LET GO. Not now, not ever.