Sense of Touch

Having recently read back through the years of this blog, I noticed I left out a lot of really fundamental information regarding some times of true personal growth, particularly as it relates to Bryan. Right now, with a lot of big changes happening in my life, a lot of uncertainties and a lot of crazy crap happening right as I sit here typing, I think it's an opportune time to stop and reflect.

I am certain that in my first weeks and months in New York, partying like a maniac at Telerep, if someone had come to me, sat me down and said, "In four years, you will be gone. Your friend who you love will have attempted suicide and been committed, these people will be married and pregnant, this one will be dead, this one will be gone from your life, these will be the new people that you know, and you will be living in Chicago with someone you love," I would have been understandably skeptical. I can't believe all of the changes. I can't imagine being able to recognize my life today if I'd looked at it from 1 Dag Hammarskjold Plaza four years ago.

Primarily I am surprised by the relationship with Bryan. While nothing in my life has ever been easier, somehow it still keeps me guessing how we came to be in this place. We have a BEAUTIFUL apartment (in an arguably lovely city). We have tons of fantastic friends, albeit most of which are not with us in Chicago, genuinely supportive incredible families, an awesome cat, and nothing but potential for the future. We don't fight, we don't resent each other. We look at life through each other's eyes and are able to be patient and understanding, supportive and introspective for each other. We have the same freedom that we had on our own, but together, which is the best kind of freedom that a person can have.

I wince a little when I scan some of the moments from the past few years. Certainly I wasn't always making the most responsible decisions, and in doing so I learned some challenging lessons. I'm concerned now because since we've been in Chicago, I've stopped feeling anything very passionately, the way I could before. When I think back to the days in Charlotte with Missie, in Harlem with Baller, in Brooklyn with Bryan, Marc, Missie, Jerry... I feel indescribable longing, and fear that I let go of something I may never have again. Not just a city, but an ability to feel that I haven't remembered in some time, and might never know again.

Of course we can move back to New York, and reclaim that bit of Brooklyn that we love and feels like home. We can reunite with all of our friends and relive a bit of the magic that I've never felt anywhere other than there. And then again, Missie and Jerry are gone now. Marc is certainly different. Time has bounded on, and despite our being there or not, things will continue to change. The times we'd had together are gone, and for some, irreparable damage has been done. Permanent changes have been made. Some certainly for the better. And some certainly not.

I feel different too. Apart from my fear of losing my sense of existential touch, I am certainly calmer. More mature. More self-confident and less confined by what I fear are other people's expectations. I am a better friend and better girlfriend. All stemming from a sense of longing for my friends and for Bryan, in a way that I can't seem to reach anyone. I am lonelier and more independent. I suppose I'm becoming a grownup.

I love Bryan, and I am lucky for our life together. I want everything to continue to make sense in the way that it has all along. I'm only a bit terrified by all of the changes in our lives and the lives of my friends recently. This is a time that no one ever warned me for. The oddities of your friends having babies, marrying people many of which you don't even like, moving away and leaving you. Leaving everyone else. It's all very surreal, and I can't feel a thing.