This is how it all went down...

Since I didn't get around to telling the STORY of our phenomenal engagement, I owe you some background! Bryan did the most AMAZING job of not only orchestrating the entire event, but in keeping it a complete secret. When I tell you that everyone was in on it...I mean EVERYONE. My best friend, my Mom, my coworkers (ALL OF THEM!), his parents, all of our friends...everyone knew but me. Anyway, apart from being the best day of my life, it was a shining moment for Bryan, as he managed to pull the entire thing off without me so much as even suspecting. I'll let his emails to everyone speak for themselves. Prepare to fall in love.

Email #1: Almost 2 months before the big event


From: bryanstarr01@hotmail.com
To:
Subject: engagement
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 2009 14:29:43 -0500

Hola -- Jennifer Smith's boyfriend here, Bryan Starr, aka Bry aka Patches aka That Guy With The Afro.

Now, I know that what I'm about to say goes without saying, but my attorney asked me to include it in the event one of you says something and I end up tossing you off the Brooklyn Bridge. So here it is:

DO NOT MENTION TO JEN ANY OF WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY

I have a ring, an engagement ring. I'm told it's real and I plan on giving it to Jen the week of Thanksgiving when we are in NYC. We will be in town starting Monday night to visit my parents/relatives. I know where and how I want to ask her, but I still need to decide exactly what day to do it, because when she says yes or no we will be celebrating or mourning with a small engagement party or murder.

FIRST, SOME BACKGROUND...

Some of you may have heard the story of our first date, or, as we like to call it, "The Baggette Date." It was a summer Sunday night, the city was in the midst of a ridiculous heatwave and I was basically broke, give or take $32 and an unlimited subway card, by far my most valuable possession. In fact, had it not been for the heatwave I might not have gone out at all, but my apartment had no air-conditioning and the mice living there were having some sort of sweat-lodge ceremony in the kitchen. Besides, I'd been wanting to see what this co-worker with whom I'd been exchanging witty emails and furtive, nsfw glances was all about. She obviously had no clue what she was getting into.

I'd originally planned for us to meet at some dive bar at 7th St and 1st Ave in the East Village, but when I arrived the place was closed. Apparently, the 30 seconds I'd put into researching places had been ill-spent. Fortunately, Jen was severely late (par for the course, as I now know) so I had time to scope out the area for an equally affordable establishment. Bingo! Right across the street was a nameless brick something that gave no indication of being a bar except for one half-lit beer sign and one person outside having a smoke. I poked my head in. It was very dark but the straggly string of Christmas lights (?) atop the bar allowed me to see the only four people in the place: a guy at the jukebox, a bartender, and two older men at the other end of the bar, both asleep. Perfect.

When Jen's cab (finally) pulled up I quickly explained about the first bar being closed but that I'd already located an adequate alternative. Standing there, at that moment, it was immediately clear by the expression on her face that this was not what she'd envisioned. Between my plain white t-shirt, flip-flops and a sweaty brow at high tide, I was not exactly Prince Charming. And now I was pointing to what appeared to be a Serbian bomb shelter with an open door emanating not a single ray of light. I'm certain the term "meth head rapist" flashed across her mind and I'm even more certain that had she lived around the corner I won't be writing this right now. But she'd just spent $30 on a cab from Brooklyn and wasn't about to go home without at least one drink, meth head or not.

We walked in, grabbed two stools at the nearest end of the bar and ordered two dirty martinis. The look on the bartenders face was not of familiarity, to say the least, but he dutifully dug up two martini glasses from the bottom of some hole and made our drinks. I paid for the round -- which left me with about $20 to my name -- and we made good conversation. She told me about her parents' recent separation and her apartment in Brooklyn, which she shared with an hilarious guy named Marc. I told her about how I was sleeping on my roof because of the heat in my apartment and about my colonoscopy coming up that Thursday. She was totally impressed. We decided to order another round.

That's when I made my next classy move: As the bartender was brewing up our drinks, I confessed to Jen that I hadn't eaten all day and was on the verge of badness if I didn't get something in my stomach soon. The bar obviously did not serve human food, so I quickly ran across the street to a bodega. Fearing that anything too substantial would eat too much into my $20 nest egg, I opted for a large baggette that ran me about $2. I quickly dashed back to the bar, baggette in hand.

I didn't know this at that time but Jen has a slight "issue" with cleanliness, primarily as it applies to food and bathrooms. Seeing as we were in a place that could've been misconstrued as a spacious bathroom, I can only imagine (and have since confirmed) the horror Jen felt seeing the crumbs spew from my mouth onto the bar. At some point I turned away to look at something and when I turned back Jen was furiously albeit inconspicuously trying to wipe up the crumbs, lest she throw up in her purse. I just thought she was trying to be helpful. Because I'm an idiot.

As it turned out, Jen was able to set aside her gag impulse long enough for us finish our drinks and move on to one or two more places before making out in the middle of the street around 3 in the morning. Ah, love. Now it's three+ years later, and I would once again like to bring that first bar back into play.

WHERE AND HOW...

It's called Tile Bar and as I said it's in the East Village at 7th and 1st Ave. (I looked online and I guess they have TVs now.) My plan is for someone to somehow lure her in there (Someone: "Omigod -- that's the baggette bar? We totally have to go in there for a sec!") where YOU AND I AND EVERYONE WE KNOW WILL BE WAITING. I will be wearing not a t-shirt this time but a suit, and in my right hand will be a baggette and in my left the ring. I will proclaim my everlasting love and then we will party. Of course, this will require some pretty sweet stuff to fall into place, but I'm going to try to make it happen.

WHEN...

I initially thought I'd ask her the Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving, BUT then I reckoned that the Tuesday or Wednesday BEFORE Thanksgiving might be preferable since she'll definitely want to show off the ring to my family at Thanksgiving dinner, and because she recently brought up the idea of coming back early so we could enjoy the weekend without traveling. (It also doesn't hurt that by asking her before the holiday dinner I can stave off the annual marriage interrogation by my pushy aunts.) In that case, I'll ask her Tuesday or Wednesday and we'll take off Friday afternoon.

POINT OF EMAIL...

I understand that it's the holiday and some of you will not be able or want to make it, but I'd like as many of you around as possible to celebrate. So please let me know which night(s) works best. Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday or not at all. I'm not promising that your specific answer is going to mean diddly to the final plans (it'll probably be Tuesday or Wednesday night no matter what), but let me know anyway.

Whatever night I go with please do not feel any pressure to be there. We will have plenty of opportunities to celebrate in the future.

Thank you!

Bryan

PS If you are on this email then Jen and/or I value you as a friend. Even so, one word to her and it's over the motherf*cking bridge.

Email #2: Roughly 6 weeks before the big day

From: bryanstarr01@hotmail.com
To:
Subject: Engagement night update
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:01:35 -0500

Hey all --

A decision has been made: My beloved Redskins are a terrible football team.

Another decision: The big night will be Tuesday, November 24. Proposal, engagement party, tomfoolery.

I will send more precise details soon enough, but if you're attending, you should plan on being in the East Village about 9-930pm, Tuesday 11/24.

This message will self-destruct in 20 seconds.

Bstarr

and remember, loose lips get you thrown off a bridge.


Email #3: Exactly one month in advance

From: bryanstarr01@hotmail.com
To:
Subject: Engagement night update II: Marital Boogaloo (details)
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:27:00 -0500

CONFIRMATION:

Bartenders have been bribed and trickery has been conceived. WE ARE FULL SPEED AHEAD ON THIS.

TILE BAR (115 1st Ave. @ 7th St., East Village) , Tuesday NOVEMBER 24, 2009, 9PM (The bar does not serve food and is cash only. That means no fraudulent credit cards, Riz. Sorry.)

Marc (yes, that Marc) will be escorting Jen around town that night -- dinner, drinks, maybe some nookie if he plays his cards right -- with a targeted arrival time at the bar of 10PM. Marc is perhaps the best (and most practiced) liar I have ever come across, and Jen would never in a million years suspect him of being so cooperative. There is no better man for the job. Thank you, Marc. Please shower.

FOR THE REST OF YOU, PLEASE ARRIVE NO LATER THAN 9:30PM -- I don't plan on her getting there before 10, but I want to be sure everyone is locked and loaded and has some time to down a few drinks before the big moment (me especially).

Special thanks to Jason Kreuser and Bill Yeramian who put aside their crippling social anxieties long enough to have a drink at the Tile Bar and confirm that a) it will be open on the 24th b) the bar is OK with the gathering and c) they are still very much in love.

Hope you can make it!

Bstarr

ps My hands are shaking just writing this, so imagine the kind of mess I'm going to be the night of. Yikes.

Email #4 : One week before

From: bryanstarr01@hotmail.com
To:
Subject: Engagement night update II: Marital Boogaloo: The Sequel
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:37:03 -0600

Just a reminder...

This is happening for sure. TILE BAR (115 1st Ave. @ 7th St., East Village) , Tuesday NOVEMBER 24, 2009, 9PM. (Ideally, Jen will be walking through the doors around 10, but I'd like you all to show up considerably earlier just in case.)

See you there!!

Bstarr

ps I will be wearing a suit, but that's kind of because I'm a big deal. Feel free to go as casual as you like.

Email #5 (and final): The night before!!

From: bryanstarr01@hotmail.com
To:
Subject: Engagement night update II: Marital Boogaloo: The Sequel -- This Time It's Personal
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:39:03 -0600

Final alert... it all goes down tomorrow (tuesday) night.

Just to be clear, no one not named Marc should be making plans with Jen for tomorrow night. If you speak to her and she INSISTS on getting you to commit to something, tell her that you can maybe get drinks -- in manhattan -- late night. very late. like midnight. short of that, you may have to blow her off completely. she might think poorly of you for a couple hours, but i promise all will be forgotten when she sees your smiling face at the tile bar. i'm mention this because, as I feared, Jen is making this as difficult as possible. she's even talking about going out to brooklyn, which obviously can't happen. we need to give her no reason to even think about going to brooklyn for the night.

that is all. the time is near. it's gonna be a nailbiter.

bstarr

destiny is calling me...

OH YEAH... WE'RE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BACK IN ACTION

Hey lingerers. This one has to be quick- it's a busy day. I have a cold and presently feel like the bottom of a puddle. But even that can't get me down. I have excellent news...

As of 1/1/10 my love and I will be the newest and happiest residents of the greatest city in the world!!! That's right, we're heading home.

NYC HERE WE COME!!!!

More soon.

Missie and Cam Parker

First night - Dinner @ Basil!


Bridesmaids getting their nails done


Wedding day!


Best picture of the night.


Five of seven bridesmaids

Santa Babs

How cute are we?! The wedding was so amazing. And if you haven't been to Santa Babs- you absolutely must go. Aside from Bill and Kelly being absolutely fantastic people, and a GREAT couple who make you believe in marriage just in case you didn't already, they also threw a really classy party. There were open bars "as far as the eye can see" to quote Jason, Bry's lifelong best friend who joined us in the revelry. Also present were Yeramian, Sean and Robbie, Leo, Bill's brothers, Bryan's friend Kenny and his wife, and plenty of other entertaining characters. I feel so lucky to have gained so many friends in Bryan's friends. They are all exceptional people with so much to offer. Great company for an all around great weekend.

Apart from the open bars, some of the highlights included wine tasting in Santa Ynez, laying around the pool for five hours on Sunday with a waiter bringing us round after round of cocktails, bike riding in the mountains, running along the beach, the BEAUTIFUL Greek Orthodox church and ceremony and the AMAZING cocktail hour/reception/after party and after-after party at the Four Seasons...the list goes on and on.



I'd be grappling severe depression at the thought of being back in Chicago for the time being, but Missie's wedding is RIGHT around the corner. Five days in Charleston with my best friend gives me PLENTY to look forward to. Now for the business of fitting into that bridesmaid dress....yikes!


Off to the gym! xoxo

Updates for Jess!

I've pretty much abandoned this blog, as you would know if you ever check in to read it. (Hellooooooooo out there...echo, echo) But my loving and loyal Jessica tells me that she still stops by every now and again, and that if something's not on my blog, she most likely doesn't know about it. As the last living 25-50 yr old living in Western civilization without a Facebook account, Jessica really may be somewhat out of touch with my life and times. (Everyone else probably knows way more than they want to.) But she is truly the last man standing who ever stops by here, so the following updates Jess, are all for YOU! Thanks for checking in sweets ;)

1)I joined a running group (!) and ran my first two races in March. It's been thrilling. This time just last year, I remember clearly a night that I sat on the bench at the edge of the track in Lakeshore park crying my eyes out because I was too scared to take the first steps onto the round clay course to run even a single lap. My runner's anxiety when combined with my absolute ASSURANCE that I could not make it even one lap around the track without losing my wind and embarrassing myself, kept me glued to the bench, in the dark covered in tears. That night, with Bryan right next to me, promising me I could do it, instilling in me every confidence that he had in my ability to do it (to do ANYTHING I wanted to) I would never EVER have imagined that in less than a year I'd be finishing my first 5k, then 8k, then 10k (coming up in just two weeks!) and knocking out these races with what closely resembles (dare I say) ease! It's been an AMAZING journey in the last dozen or so months, and I am the proudest I have been in myself possibly ever. At each of my first two races, Bryan was at the finish line, waiting with a camera and a huge smile to tell me how proud he was. I could probably have done it on my own I guess, as I'm a young, healthy and basically fit chick. But I WOULDN'T have done it. Not without him. I didn't know how to believe in myself before he told me I could. Before he believed in me (without hesitation). He knew I could do it before I knew I could do it. And as it turned out, as it usually turns out, Bryan was right. I'm so proud of my accomplishment, I'm so lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend, and I am SO stoked to be able to call myself A RUNNER.



2)We adopted another cat. I know, I know...I'm quickly becoming a crazy cat lady. I don't have an excuse except that we thought we were doing the right thing for Bo. Having been separated from his Mom SO EARLY in his little baby cat life, and having been SO sick at such a young age, Bo never really learned to be cat-like. He's not agile, he's aggressive but not playful, he's moody and picky about who he likes and doesn't (you can tell he learned most of these traits from hanging out with me) so our vet suggested perhaps adopting another cat, who might hopefully show Bo the cat ropes and socialize him a bit to other animals the way that he should be. So Bry and I headed over to Chicago's Anti-Cruelty Society to check out the cats they had to offer. I was skeptical about getting an adult cat (isn't the most appealing part to getting a new pet, the fact that they're usually a puffy baby for at least a couple of months?) but Bryan fell for a 1yr old gray and white short hair named Samson. (Pronounced sans P sound...it's hard to say.) The volunteers were shocked to see how lovable and cuddly Sam was being with Bry and I, as he was apparently notoriously antisocial. But he was all up in our grills- and Bryan was sold. We waited a day or two, thought it over, and went back to get the little bugger. Adoption is so important, especially when it supports shelters who are doing all the right things for their animals. Places like P.A.W.S. and Anti Cruelty are too few and far between. We felt it was the right move for a guy who might otherwise have trouble finding a home. (Everyone wants kittens and puppies, and often not adults.) Anyway, it's been a windy road in the two months since we've had Sam. He is absolutely hilarious- a completely different kind of cat than Mr. Man Pants. He's agile and active, running around like a maniac at every waking moment. He's playful, precocious, interested, entertaining and SUPER ACTIVE. Bryan is pretty much convinced that he's a robot, since he seems to be able to speak and understand English.(You cannot believe how smart this guy is.) He's brought a lot of laughs to the apartment, but also some heartache. Bo hasn't responded well to the addition AT ALL and seems more sulky and withdrawn than he did before. While his "play aggression" has abated, his moodiness and recurring stress-induced colds have not. He seems to have developed a stress-related twitch in his hindquarter that causes his back feet, back fur and tail to twitch almost constantly. We're now working with his vet as well as two certified animal behaviorists (one of which is my amazing Mom) to diagnose and solve his personality and health crisis. It's heartbreaking to watch the thing that I love most in this world (Bryan often jokes that if his and Bo's lives were both hanging in the balance, I'd be more apt to save Bo than him) suffer in ANY way. Especially since I was responsible for bringing this pain (Samson) into his life. Everyone assures us that in time they will grow accustom to one another, and our household will find peace again. I'm not so sure? But we both DEFINITELY HOPE SO!!!

3)The ongoing struggle to leave Chicago wages on. Do we move back to NY? Do we move to the West Coast? Do we get a grip and settle down here for a few years, accepting the fact that an interstate move in the worst economy since the great depression is an almost impossible feat, even for two brilliant and capable people like ourselves?? I just don't know. I struggle with it EVERY DAY. I know I should just let be what will be, and stop trying to predict the future. But how can I plan if I don't know where we'll be living in a year? How can I anticipate my next career move? How can we hope to get engaged? Should we buy a car? An apartment? Should we send out our resumes? In Chicago, or New York, or California, or Colorado? I long for New York, I think I always will. And I do believe, as I have always believed, that we will go back some day. But the timing has never felt right. I admitted to Bryan yesterday that if not for him, I'd have left Chicago a long time ago. But there are finally pieces of this city that are falling into place for us. Are my friends here? No. But the New York I left is not the same place either. Jerry, Missie and Ryan are gone. Would I be going home to the same amazing thing that I left? I love New York and I will always love New York. But sometimes I wonder if I'm screaming at the rain. Chicago is an entirely livable city. Although I don't love it, we've become comfortable enough here, and financially it's been a good move. The older we get, the harder it is to make impulsive, romantic decisions. It's the burden of time, I guess. It wears on your impulses with reason...urging you to think about money, careers...you get the idea. I don't have an answer...just as many questions as I did when we got here.

4)MORE WEDDINGS!! So EVERYONE is getting married. Between labor day of 2008 and Memorial Day of 2009 we will have been to six weddings. Each in a different city and only ONE in Chicago. First was J&C's in Portland, which marked my 1st visit to the West Coast. The next weekend was R&J here in Chicago, and in December was D&J in Central Park. For those of you who don't know (Jess was around for all of that excitement!) I became ordained as a minister in the World's Church (ha!) and married Danielle and Jaymes. It was a beautiful ceremony in Central Park, and hopefully everything they wanted it to be. I was honestly honored to be a part of it (although there was some craziness in the planning and execution of the big day!) and I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. We had a break at the beginning of this year, but wedding season II is about to ramp up! The next big event is B&K's wedding in Santa Barbara CA, at the Four Seasons Resort. Bryan and I are STOKED!!! First, Bill and Kelly are two of our favorite people. An amazing couple who truly make you believe that some people are just meant to be. They just recently bought a gorgeous apartment in Manhattan and this wedding is the culmination of their fantastic relationship to this point! We're so excited to be a part of it. Also exciting is that it's a black tie affair, and we are going to look HOT. Bryan had his tux fitted today, and I just bought the final touches for my beautiful ABS floor length dress. It's going to be a blast! Also exciting is that all of Bryan's best friends are going to be there, including the NY crew. Reunited! Four weeks after the BK nuptials, Nat and Tyson are getting married in St. Louis, a city Bry and I have never visited. So we're excited for what promises to be a FUN wedding and some awesome sight-seeing in a brand new town. The very next weekend, my beautiful best friend Missie is walking down the aisle at what is going to be her dream wedding in Charleston SC. (We've never been there either- SO EXCITED!) We get to spend a few days with Missie and Cam before the big day, and I'm so proud and thrilled to be one of the bridesmaids. It's an awesome bridesmaid dress (that I don't currently fit into- EFF) and it's going to be a beautiful wedding. If her shower last weekend in Charlotte is any indication, her friends are all amazing and fun and will give Missie and Cam a fantastic day. Despite the stresses of planning a wedding with her Mom, Cam's mom, a wedding planner, and 200 guests in mind...Missie is doing great, and hopefully getting as excited for the big day as I AM!!

5)Then it's summer!! Summer in Chicago is honestly a good time. (As crabby as I may be the rest of the year here.) We're lucky to live just a block from the lake which provides some really beautiful scenery, good recreational outdoor opportunities, and new for me this year: a GREAT running path. Also exciting about Summer: I just bought my Lollapalooza ticket and as always, I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas morning, awaiting all of the magic of Lolla weekend. It's my favorite three days of the entire year, and it promises this year to be just as good as the last two! If nothing else, Chicago has given me tons of fond memories of Lolla weekends :)

That's probably enough for now. Per usual it's rainy and FREEZING here today (36 and windy) and in New York my Jessica is probably outside walking around, drinking coffee and reading the paper, which she does on Sundays. It is afterall 60 AND SUNNY in New York today. BAH!!

Have a happy Sunday afternoon, everyone. I'm going to do some laundry, take a nap, and dream of exciting things to come!!

Bluebirds on our shoulders

There is a tenable schism between who I am, and who I feel I should be. There is who I really am, here on the left, and who I feel I should be and what I feel I should do somewhere on the right. And I fall, each day, with each decision, gossamer wings of hope ablaze, to the far, far right. Which is nowhere near who I really am.

For those of you who've followed this rambling, dinosaur of a blog throughout the years, you probably know this about me better than I know it myself. The recurring themes in my life being: learning about departure, letting go, and finding a balance between what I feel I should do, and what I actually want.

I'm 26 now, and I know how young that is. I appreciate all of the time that remains to figure it all out, but I want to know first, before I settle in to thinking that it'll sort itself out in time, how many people go through entire lifetimes afraid of becoming their true selves? How many people never overcome the fear that prevents them from being who they really feel they are?

I, for instance, fancy myself a writer. I don't know whether I am a good writer, or not. I don't even know if I'm passionate or convincing, or devoted enough. I only know that when everything else is lost, and everyone is far, far away, that it is what I reach for. And to the question, "what do you do?" I want to answer, "I am a writer." For those reasons, I know that a writer is who I really am.

Who I feel I should be is an Account Executive, peddling complex rich media executions to big budget advertisers with money to burn. I feel that I should collect my quarterly commission checks, pay off my infinite credit card bills, and go on interesting vacations. I want to get married, have a big ridiculous party, look amazing, go on a lavish honeymoon, buy a puppy, live in the most expensive city in the world in a beautiful brownstone, and have everything I've ever wanted. This life, the one I feel I should have (am entitled to), is the easier road, and incidentally the road I'm already on. Certainly I paid a form of dues to get here, and I spend a lot of time sitting in Chicago wallowing about the sheer lack of romance and originality and insanity surrounding me, and I long for my friends and say often how unhappy I am. But this was all my setup. This IS who I thought (and still think) I should be, and because I am afraid- paralyzed by the fear- of becoming who I really feel that I am, I plan to continue on this road. And I want to know how many other people feel this very same way. Can I achieve those things that I want to have, by being the person that I truly am, and want to be? Or do I have to be who I think I should be in order to succeed in the ways I feel that I deserve.

I see it in Bryan, too. Like me, Y is a writer. On a daily basis he acts as a permissions coordinator for Playboy Magazine, but he is a writer. He is talented, introspective and complex...all things that make a great writer. But he is not brave. Just like me. He is not writing because he doesn't believe it is the reasonable thing to do. Because maybe he doesn't see potential for any marketable success. He doesn't necessarily see a paycheck. And maybe he doesn't care to see the failure that is the potential of any burgeoning writer. I know that I don't.

I'm burning a candle every day, we all are. Trying to understand before the wick expires who I actually am, swimming around in wax. There is no clear picture of what taking the braver road will bring. Who I feel I should be has won just about every time, because there is so much security in incremental raises and quarterly commissions. There is so much sanity in coming home at 6pm and checking email from your blackberry at a Starbucks. There is just no fire in that, is there? I want to be on fire...

I want to know who else feels this way. Should I write to Oprah?