Dating Lies

Recently, by some of the boys I have dated, I've been accused of convincing myself that I am things, which apparently I am not. On the question of my poor self-image, I have been told that I do not see myself in a realistic light. On the topic of having everyone fooled at all times in regard to my feelings and intentions, it has come to my attention that I am terribly transparent. And most recently relayed to me, is that despite my thinking that I am not emotional... quite the contrary.

After hearing all of these (apparently obvious) observations from people I respect, I was thrust into a sense of self-doubt. Am I really lying to myself nearly all of the time? How do I manage having myself convinced of these things? Why aren't other people fooled? Friends, family...these guys who I try to date. Over a post-workout rendezvous @ Dive Bar tonight, my roommate and I discussed, briefly, the complications of dating, and lying.

"It's a hassle," he said. "And I do just wind up lying a lot, which is more trouble than it's worth."
Phew. At least it isn't just me?

Dating and lying seem to go hand-in-hand. I have always enjoyed the idea of aligning the principles of dating to a job interview. The dater is constantly trying to express only the most positive sides of themselves. They are sure to put their best face forward, careful about how they look, sound and react at all times. Thinking about what to say before it is said, etc. This, to me, seems like an awful lot of work. Also, if we spend all of our time coloring our responses and censoring ourselves, how are we ever expected to actually get to know one another? Do we even want to get to know one another? Who are we lying to then... them, or ourselves?

I tried to use this analogy on someone this weekend, and he didn't like it. "Dating is nothing like a job interview," he said. And then he said, "dating is fun."

Fun?

One of the plagues of being me, is the constant over-thinking of even the most trivial things. I spend an abundance of time analyzing problems that most people don't even know they have. They probably aren't problems at all, in fact. Just like dating, they are probably things which most people find to be fun. For me, somehow, they become a challenge. (i.e. Take on Me, by Aha. What does that mean? Great song. Love it. Can't enjoy it because I'm tormented by the meaning behind the strange phrase. Is it a figure of speech in GB? What?)

Well anyway, herein lies the problem. Right or wrong, I find challenge in the most trivial of life's pleasures. Having a boyfriend included. I am told that this is a useless characteristic. People mistakenly take it for self-pity, perhaps. Or a product of the poor self-esteem thing. Really it's just one more example of over thinking the obvious. If you're dating someone you really like, chances are good they are a better person than you. Thus, the inclination would be to not lie to them. And therefore continue being yourself and having "fun." (Except that you may be desperate to impress them, much like that potential boss at the proverbial "dream job," which could lend itself to lying.) However, if you're dating someone you don't like, which I used to do a lot... then who cares if you lie, and you probably will, just because you can. Therefore the risk of progression is nada and you're safe from complication. The problem with that, is having to be around someone you don't like all of the time. That invariably ends in disaster.

I would like to believe that this line of thinking is more prevalent than people are willing to let on. But maybe not. At any rate, I'm going to try to stop lying about my qualities and flaws to potential boyfriends, and maybe even potential employers. (For the meantime.) Eventually, these people will get to know me anyway (were I ever to allow for that) and the truth may come back to haunt me. Besides, the lying has served to fool no one apparently, with the possible exception of me.

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I am, as stated in my first entry, unapologetic about the content of this blog. If you have a problem with it, may I happily redirect you to a little "squidvsunicorn." It's much funnier.