alright already

"so i think sometimes in the midst of trying to find ourselves, we get so caught up in ourselves that we forget about the people around us. i think it's easier to find ourselves when we aren't looking. i think things work better when we work through it.. instead of trying to figure it out." --JM

i've come under a lot of criticism lately for taking myself too seriously. my new friend Tampa has been saying recently that the reason i have such a terrible time with relationships (not that she's had a particularly successful one herself) is because i think way too much about it. "just have fun," she says. "the rest will work itself out."

i've always wanted to be one of those people who doesn't feel burdened by life. who can just "go with the flow" so to speak without having to regard everything with the kind of severity generally reserved for life's big dramas. i haven't been able to harness that power yet...but i think i should start trying harder. no one enjoys deep, sorrowful introspection in their friends. and no one wants to date the deep, and sorrowfully introspective. maybe this really is my problem? i thought that the abandonment of that frame of mind coincided with growing up.

i've seen it in two of my slightly older friends. two of my former RA's, both in their late twenties now, and both of which i've just come to reconnect with. i liked them so very much at first, for among many other reasons, because they were thinkers. they took themselves seriously and i modeled myself in that first formative year of adulthood mainly after the things in them which i someday hoped to possess. the hunt for self-actualization being one of those things. but it turns out, now that they're "grown up"...they've abandoned the adolescent-esque search for self, and become instead, normal, well adjusted people who understand much better than i do, that self isn't something you have to search for. so maybe this is a lesson that does come with maturity.

and it seems i've done it again. thinking too hard about not thinking so hard. same as it ever was. i do know one thing. if i don't knock it off pretty soon, my roommate and Tampa alone are going to force it out of me. they're tired of it. today at brunch, Baller told me that i need to abandon all of the thought that i put into the day to day. "quit trying so hard," he said. "you don't need to wear a gown every time we go out, you know. we live in brooklyn."

point taken.