Time Well Written

My desire and ability to write have escaped me. It isn't that I don't have the time. Or, I should say that if I chose to, I could certainly make the time. I haven't been that interested. My job, I suppose, is partly to blame.

I am chained to a lime-green cubicle for nine or ten hours a day, endlessly poring over articles, contracts, checklists, spreadhseets and legal jargon so mindlessly that by the time I am released, all my words have left me. Other words are there. Words like, derivative, and conjunction and contributor and third party rights, foreign option, reuse restrictions, addendum, second serial rights agreement, exclusivity and corporate editorial. The most hated two words of them all. I am tired of Corporate Editorial.

Also there is the issue of the boy. Both as an issue of time, and secondly, more strangely, that he has revised me. Where I was previously an introspective, anguished child, I am becoming someone who feels mostly (mostly) like a contented adult. It's a change in me that seemingly no one in my life can compute. I think that Pam said it best, when in response to hearing that I loved him, she said, "Honey, it's not unlikely that you have a great man, we all knew it would happen as soon as you let it. It's just kind of surprising to see for the first time. To hear you say you're in love (and you're not talking about NYC or your new Prada purse) takes a minute to process." Well then. Maybe it's taking me a minute as well. And how could I write that down, for the people who dislike this thing to begin with, or those who in response to my happiness ask if I'm drunk, or the people who know me well enough to know that even a year ago, my choices were less healthy. People who are dying to say I told you so, and those I don't speak to anymore. I don't know how to talk about myself anymore, or that it's anybody's business.

And so I'm having trouble with my blog.

I'd like to find a new approach to cataloging my life. Because prior to this summer (combination of business, crappy job and boyfriend) I found it to be a truly valuable exercise in self-awareness. (Plus it gave you surfers something to do with yourselves for a few minutes a day.) I'll work on it and be back to you in no time. Afterall, the holidays are coming. I'm sure I'll be able to find plenty of dysfunction-ridden time with my family to jot down some stories for my readers.