Romeo and Juliette

"When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong..." --Dire Straights

My roommate and I spend a lot of time trying to solve life’s big problems. We’re both hyper-conscious of ourselves in relation to the people around us, and I find that we rarely tire of our attempted exploration into this understanding. I can only speak for myself here, but it’s important for me to know where I fit.

That said; we’ve never solved an actual problem in our lives.

One of our favorite fruitless efforts: the relationship problem. It’s a timeless pursuit of understanding, for men and women alike. And despite all of the books, movies, bad sitcoms, magazine articles, research, discussion, therapy sessions and blogs that we all pore over in hope of understanding, still, it seems, no one knows what the eff is going on.

I used to think it was a “girl” thing. This is a product of all of the men in my life having been uncommunicative, macho and surly. I never saw my uncles, my grandfather, my father even, until very recently, giving a shit about their wives, girlfriends, etc. (As an unfortunate bi-product of that, obviously, those are the kinds of guys I go for.) These men didn’t wonder what the women in their lives were thinking. What they might’ve done to warrant the silent treatment. Where their relationship might be headed. I can assume, by having grown up very close to all of these guys, that the relationship question never crossed their minds.

Fast forward. All of the men in my adult life are completely different. My friends, mostly dudes, are some of the most introspective and communicative people I know. They think about things (even relationships!) as much as, if not sometimes more than my girlfriends. It’s astounding. Still, their motives are different. It’s less, “why isn’t she calling me back” and more, “dude, if she doesn’t call me back I won’t get laid!” Testosterone firmly in place.

The fact that they think about us at all is surprising to me. I was reading an interview recently with Greg Behrent, famed author of the stupid-girl’s-guide-to-breakups-book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” (it isn’t to say that the book is stupid though I haven’t read it, but ladies, come on, do we need this?) and he said he was planning to write a similar version for guys. He wanted to call it something to the effect of, “Dude, Get Off Her Lawn.” Apparently, the boys have the capacity for caring a little too much too?

The roommate and I were posing the very same question.

“Do you actually care if we call you, though?” I asked. “I feel like if we didn’t call, you never would, and that would be the end of it. Especially if you’ve already gotten what you wanted out of it.”

“You should definitely call us back,” he said. (On the heels of an unreturned call from new girl #2) “But don’t initiate too many calls on your own. It shouldn’t seem like you can’t go a day without talking to us.”

We started discussing most girl’s numero uno mistake of seeming NEEEEEEDY. I don’t generally have the neediness problem, since usually I break up with people for wanting to spend too much time with me. But, I said, “If I actually like you enough, I’m going to want to talk to you. Is that not allowed?”

“Umm…” he actually had to think about it. “We’d probably rather you talk to someone else? Or at least, have someone else you want to talk to as well.” This from a guy who’s upset over an unreturned call. I’m suspicious.

And when the conversation turned to him, the same insecurities surfaced. He’s just suffered a drive-by emailing from an ex-GF who really left her mark on the ego. It’s been almost a year since they lost contact, and he jumped at the chance to email her back. But she never responded again. Did it seem too anxious? Maybe girls don’t appreciate neediness either.

We agreed over Coronas and enchiladas suizas that there is only one answer to all of the questions in the relationship question.

Timing.

A hundred things could go wrong with a person you like, who happens to like you back, and no damage may be done. (Refer to the entry in December when I bit it in front of the new guy I was dating in the lobby of the Moma.) But if one of you is more into the other than they are into you, sneeze too much and relationship is over. Timing is everything.

Hopefully you’ll run into someone at some point who is ready to run into you too. This isn’t something you can force, so no matter how much you may like them, sadly I think it’s all in the hands of the clock. This is an important distinction, and one I myself should try to remember. The worst thing you can do with bad timing, is trying to force the situation.

So that, my friends, is what took my roommate and I one Mexican dinner on a Tuesday night to establish. Consider yourselves enlightened.