Against All Odds

Our arrogance allows us to believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that we have ultimate control over our direction in life. We tell ourselves that we will choose the jobs which make us happy. We will be good at these jobs and ascend to the heights of success. We will always love our lovers. We will live in exciting places. We will never be our parents. And we will make the right decisions.

It all seems within our jurisdiction. We confidently state things like, "it's too soon," or "it's too late"... things like, "I can't" or "I want to" in the face of apparent options. We are making the choices that will lend themselves to the lives that we expect to lead. "We're getting married," will someday become a family, a burden, a dream. "I'm moving away," will change everything. You will be alone. You will be in love. You will live a different life.

There is no way to see the road, even from here in the driver's seat, making the big decisions. Because along with those choices that you're making every day about words like "marriage" and "school" and "work" exist too, words like "cancer" and "pregnant" and "affair." And then words like, "before" become painful, and words like "now" are the burden. You become forced into decisions, rather than gallantly electing them. You're given the option of bad and worse, good for you but wrong for them, impossible and brave, careless and exciting. And how can you choose between options you'd never expected? How can you love fearlessly when words like "divorce" weigh down? How can you plan a family, when "six months to live" is suddenly the fate of your father? How can you move across the country, when your application, your future is pending approval? When is it safe to give up everything you've chosen to be, for something you can't possibly predict?

The answer, I think, is that it isn't ever safe out here. Safe decisions and the right thing and the right time are optimistic terms contrived to help us sleep at night. To hope that we've done the right thing, that the choices were ours to have made, gives us the peace of mind required to be able to continue making them. Despite our lack of control. Despite our fear. Despite, even, the possibility of the failures. Of heartbreak. Of losing before we have the opportunity to ever make it. The fear cannot compel you. To make the choices in the face of that fear, and despite it, maybe that is what we're doing out here. And doing so, despite the odds against us.