Entitlement to Feeling

I'm lonely.

That's a hard thing to say. Especially for someone who [supposedly] prides herself upon being alone. But I am. And I think it's been a long time in the making.

When faced with adversity, I've noticed that people seek refuge in one of two places. Some, will turn outward toward others, in search of solace in, and support from those around them. They will cling desperately to friends, relationships or family. Maybe they move back home, hide in a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even in some cases go so far as to seek out brand new relationships in an effort not to deal effectively with themselves. Most people I know cope this way. It's easier, I think, to hide behind those that they trust and love, than to have to face their lives on their own.

The other defense mechanism (as far as I can tell there are really only two) comes in turning inward, in an effort to protect ourselves from that which frightens us. Maybe becoming distant, withdrawn, moody or quiet. Friends probably begin to complain that you don't come around much. Your family thinks you're too busy for them. You're not really too busy for anything. But it's better they think that.

I've never been much for seeking protection in others. So in the face of adversity, when things start to go wrong, I move inside myself, and hide out. A decade of protecting myself later, (I figure all real troubles for us begin at or around puberty) I've come to realize that I've made no real room for anyone else in my world. And thus, the way I suddenly find myself to be lonely.

In the past five months especially, I've endured a series of weird heartbreaks and tests to my strength and character. Things have been going badly since Thanksgiving for me...which is a natural part of life's influx. Hills and valleys, which I understand. Unfortunately, as it always is, my reaction to the complications has been regression into myself in an effort to avoid having to cope.

I wish I didn't do that.

I was speaking with one of my best friends recently, who just turned 35 and has never settled down. Never had much of a real relationship at all, actually. Much the "inward thinker" that I am, he could feasibly fall out of sight for weeks at a time before anyone started to worry. It's just his way. I asked him if he was lonely. If he ever planned to let anyone in...in part hoping that the answer was yes, and there was hope for me yet. "No," he sighed. "I thought, for years, that some day I would want to make room for someone in my life in some legitimate way. But the older I get, the less willing I am to do that. And the more I realize, I'll probably always be this way."

"Why are you this way?" I asked, surprised at my own disappointment. He told me that when his father died, he decided then and there (completely unbenounced to himself) that he would never let anyone in again. Because anyone can leave you. But you can never leave yourself. I know that he and I are not the same... but at that moment, I saw myself in twelve years, looking back at me from his eyes.

I'd like to make clear, for a moment, that I am not depressed. Depression and loneliness are different. Feeling the results of tough times is natural, however such "real feelings" have in recent years been virtually removed from our lexicon. Whether it was the ridalin insurgence, or the mental-health clauses in corporate benefit plans, or prescription drug ads... something has lent us to the notion that you are clinical if you are sad. Bi-polar if you laugh and cry in the same day. Suicidal if you've ever wondered who would show up at your funeral. When I try to say I'm lonely, people say "Celexa." But I look at my friend...and I see only normalcy. Surviving. And albeit alone, how is it worse than those who survive hidden in the false security provided by others?

Is that better?

I wish there were someplace between the two extremes, where I could go to find comfort in people that I love, and security in myself and the knowledge that I'll always be OK. I think we all want that. But it's hard to come by, especially when we've been conditioned to rely on other things (hiding, relationships, prescriptions) to keep us going.

But I've got to believe that along the way, I'll find just what it is that I'm looking for. And hopefully...... I won't be afraid to feel it.