It's Been a Long Time

It's been too long since I've written. Since I've seen most of the people who used to occupy these entries. And since I've felt at ease enough to say how I feel about what's going on.

So much has changed now. It's hard to even start. But the lives of the people who matter to me are those that have changed the most. Pam and I broke up. And got back together. And now it isn't the same, and it may never be again. She's engaged now and planning her future far away from me. Missie moved to New York. And then struggled with a boyfriend who wasn't happy, in an apartment that was too small. With a job she loves, in a city that can't support you, and no matter how much you love it, it won't ever love you back.
Danielle moved to Philadelphia, and so did her boyfriend. And then jobless, without plans, they tried to travel together. On borrowed money. With no direction. And they got lost, for a time. It seems they are finding their way back, hopefully together now.
While Bryan wrote his scripts, he grew more unhappy and disconnected by his job. One day, out of patience and unable to see any hope for his role and his future there, he quit. And there was nothing there to turn to. But me. And I don't handle things well. But we have an apartment and a kitten and our frustrations live under the rug.
My parents live in different houses now. My mom has a puppy and a job that keeps her busier than she's ever been. She has company for dinner, family brunches, road trips with girlfriends and she's tired. But also free. Which is a gift, and I think now she knows it. My Dad seems older. Sadder. And I worry. His father is dying and my Dad has to understand how to resolve a lifetime of anger and detachment from a father you don't know or love. My brother will someday have to do the same. My Mom's parents are in a nursing home, and my Grandpa is going to be 90. There will be cake and balloons in the ballroom of the country club that he loves so much, that makes him so proud. That is as much as home to us after all of these years. He will cry, and then so will we.
Jerry and Marc are on prescription pills that get them through their days. Aren't we all.
And Colleen and Brad are in Charlotte. Brad may work for Colleen some day, in the job I once had, in the life I once knew.
Teresa and Bear are Newlyweds, and so are Tara and Steve. They bought houses, and so did Andrea and Dan, and sometimes it seems that everyone has grown up but me.
Amanda lost her Appendix, but luckily not her life. Her sister lost a baby in the eighth month, and I know what that does to a family.
Stephanie is gone now, in the army, but farther away than just that. I don't think I'll ever speak to her again. And I miss her sometimes a lot.
Jess has new boobs, a new job, new roommates, and a family who make her sad. I think all of our families make us sad now and then.

I can't seem to understand where everyone has gone. Some people, even the ones right next to me, are farther away than ever before. And missing them has become so much less about distance, and so much more about lasting forever. It is apparent now, now that time has passed, that we won't ever be together again. That our memories are only that, and our time together has come and gone. There will be visits. The weddings that haven't happened yet will come and go. The babies who haven't come yet will be made, and born, and grow and then time will pass even faster. And while people move, and change, I somehow still feel the same. A little harder.

Maybe my time in New York is winding to its end. My inability to grow might be coming from the very place that turned me into an adult. The place that I love, that made me savvy, cynical, and wiser. I can't believe it's been three years. Still, I can't believe it's been only three years. And it feels unfair to ever have to leave. This city is a fairy tale, in the best and worst ways. While suburbia thrives around us, in its predictability and security, we suffer the wolves and little earthquakes of city life every day. The magic which is all around us is attacked regularly by poverty, exhaustion and the untouchable madness all around us. I don't know where I belong now, but I know that for a time, I belonged here.

You can feel the pull of life, it's pulled of my friends. My family. In all of the directions I just listed and more. And now it's pulling me.

It's been a long time since I've thought about it all. And now, I think, it's all about to change.